Posts Tagged ‘ Tortelicious ’

Bet you can’t Shoplift $50 from Wal-Mart

February 28th, 2011. By LucyC

But $42.82 does go a long way at Wal-Mart…Police in New Jersey had a rather interesting encounter recently with a shoplifter who, when apprehended, explained that ‘his friends made him do it’. That is, he lost a bet, the penalty for which was to steal $50 worth of merchandise from Wal-Mart—or run naked through the streets.

Bit of a no-brainer as to which option he thought less challenging. But it turns out that 58-year old Irwin Krakow has, in addition to some lousy friends and poor judgement, a wee problem with math. He only stole $42.82 cents worth of stuff. 

Apparently he later admitted to the police that he regretted his choice of penalty—because the fine for running naked through the streets “would have been smaller.”  If he’d done his naked sprint during a snow storm chances are pretty good he wouldn’t have been arrested. In fact, it’s entirely possible he could have become a social media phenomenon. He could have become a celebrity and had a whole new career, done the talk show circuit, appeared on the Oscars, signed big fat product endorsement contracts, signed a record deal, done his own video, run for mayor, and pretty much retired in a couple of years, before the whole thing got too old. Oh well. Maybe next time. 

Weighty matter, costly matter? As for this guy, well, what can I say but ‘good luck mate’.  A Read the rest of this entry »

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Bare-Naked Bingo Weiner Bandit Video Released

February 22nd, 2011. By LucyC

Can’t hide that sausage! A man in Florida—34-year old Joshua Ryan Abernathy—decided to liberate some wieners and himself simultaneously. Freed of all encumbrances, specifically his clothing (and any limiting attitudes—or good taste) he walked, naked, into the Mariner’s Cove Club House in Estero, FL, on January 7, 2011. He apparently grabbed some napkins, a first aid kit and some wieners (thank God he remembered the napkins) and proceeded to walk around the clubhouse. Of course the whole thing (pardon the pun) was caught on surveillance video. But it wasn’t until the following day when an employee at the club noticed the sausages were missing—they were meant for Bingo Night (oh boy!) that the police were called.

The employee had watched the video and recognized the man…hmm…saying that he “possibly stays in a wooded area located west of Mariner’s Cove.” It just gets better.

Abernathy’s been charged with burglary and petty theft. This week, authorities released a censored version of that video (above), which has been posted on The News-Press website. I wonder if he could sue for the unauthorized use of his image…the payout might keep him in wieners for a while.

Dying wish? Sadly, this tale really does bring home the old adage, ‘be careful what you wish for’…Once again, we find ourselves in Florida where a man met his end while teasing his girlfriend to “go ahead and shoot me.” 

The couple was having a fight (no kidding) when 57-year old Robert Lee Gilbert dared his girlfriend to pull the trigger on her antique gun. Antique? Fully loaded and ready to go? Ah—maybe not. 

Poor old Robert—he must have been very persuasive because his girlfriend did what he asked—she pulled the trigger and blew his face off. He’s dead, and she’s facing manslaughter charges. Why does this stuff never happen on “The Antiques Road Show”? 

Is your dog your best friend? I’m betting this guy is rethinking the whole relationship thing with his dog right now. The man, who is nameless, apparently, was pulled over in his pickup with Read the rest of this entry »

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Tip of the Day: Bank Hours Important to Bank Robbery Plan

February 15th, 2011. By LucyC

Sorry, we’re closed – you’ll have to rob someone else. Timing is everything—especially when committing—or trying to commit a robbery. Take the story of this fellow in Cranston, Rhode Island—identity unknown by the way. He reportedly walked into a branch of Citizens Bank inside a grocery store around 7:00 p.m., and slipped a note to the teller. According to Major Robert W. Ryan, of the Cranston police, the note was written on a ripped paper plate and said, “This is a robbery.”

Oh you think so huh? Maybe not. Turned out it was closing time—the teller told him the bank was closing and promptly shut the security door on him. I’m betting she doesn’t get paid overtime…

In any event, the man walked out of the store—without any cash or a new career. The police are looking for him.

Bite me. No, really. This does defy belief. A teenager in Florida who was sporting some rather fetching bite marks, made up a story to explain them to her parents, presumably thinking it would be better than the truth. So—she tells her mother that she had been attacked while jogging. No need to worry…that should keep the parents calm. Not.

Needless to say said youth was whisked away to the local police to tell them her story. According to the South Florida Sun Sentinel, the 15-year old dutifully reported being attacked while jogging. Unfortunately for her, the police were unable to find any evidence of the attack.

Suspecting that perhaps something was amiss, the police questioned the girl again and she eventually confessed to taking part in ‘fantasy biting’ with a 19-year-old man. Oh yes—that’s Read the rest of this entry »

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911, Oh 911, How Should my Pot Garden Grow?

February 7th, 2011. By LucyC

Question: Who do you turn to for horticultural advice on marijuana? Answer: Not 911. But hey, you learn through your mistakes, right? Like 21-year old Robert Michelson, who, confused about the legal implications of growing his own happy grass, decided to go straight to the source—well—straight to the source via 911 (?). He asked the emergency services dispatcher how much trouble he could get into if he grew one marijuana plant. OMG did he ever get an answer.

Michelson was arrested shortly after making the phone call—not the brightest move of his life admittedly. But the police response was so heavy—I’m left wondering why it didn’t include a SWAT team.

The police showed up at the boy’s house and seized a small amount of pot and some drug paraphernalia. For his part, Michelson admitted that he’d bought seeds and equipment for growing marijuana. This cost him—or more likely his parents—$5,000—in bail. He was released but not before he was charged with marijuana possession and other crimes. Other crimes? Must have been a slow day at the station.

First thing to do when getting out of jail? Go to Disney World? Uh, no. Maybe this guy was trying to add to his resume—sorry—rap sheet. He was not a day out of jail—where he was awaiting trial on charges of assaulting his girlfriend—when he decided to steal a car and rob a bank.

Upper Yoder police say 29-year-old Richard Brandon Johnson robbed the First Commonwealth Bank in Bens Creek, Western Pennsylvania, on Wednesday February 2. But his Jessie James moment was short lived, as he was arrested a couple of hours later. And, as he left the clothes he wore during the robbery in the stolen Jeep—the police had no problem charging him with the robbery, as well as theft.

Apparently, he was unable to post the $500,000 bond, which one can safely assume was a good thing.

Would this make a good Polident commercial? The scene opens with a speeding car crashing into two other vehicles, then going through a fence and ending up in some landscaping where it finally comes to a stop. Boom! The airbags go off, dislodging the driver’s teeth, which fall the floorboard of the vehicle—clearly he wasn’t using Polident. But he doesn’t have time to stop—and heads out on foot—dentureless—in an effort to escape capture. Fleeing the scene of the accident. And the caption reads…well—I’ll leave that up to you.

In fact, it was the false teeth that enabled California police to identify 53-year old James Brown and arrest him for fleeing the scene of an accident and possession of a stolen car. Oh yes—did I mention the car he was driving was stolen? Might want to leave that out of the commercial—not good branding. One other minor detail—Brown, who also identified himself as James Hackett, had an outstanding escape warrant in Washington, D.C. 

Where did I leave that damn cell phone? Police in Maryland arrested 25-year-old Cody Wilkins after finding his cell phone charging at the scene of a burglary. Yes—true.

The story goes that Wilkins was in the process of robbing a house when the homeowner’s son came home. Needless to say this surprised Wilkins and he jumped out a window and took off. But without his cell phone.

The homeowner’s son called the police, as one does in this type of situation, and when they searched the house they found Wilkins’ phone plugged in and charging. It doesn’t take a MENSA member to figure the rest out.

Apparently, the Montgomery County police say Wilkins’ home was among those that lost power last week as a result of a snow storm. And, it turns out, Wilkins has a track record—arrest records show he’s been linked to other break-ins, so his bail was set at $1 million. That’s one expensive cell phone.

Tags: Tortelicious
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Sex Toy Self-Defense Only the Beginning of her Legal Woes

February 2nd, 2011. By LucyC

Well, he did have handcuffs… Who needs pepper spray—when you can save money on personal defense and use what you already have at hand. Just don’t get carried away—like poor old Carolee Bildsten.

Fifty-six year old Carolee was out for a night on the town back in November—and decided to travel light. So she emptied her handbag of clutter before heading out to the bar. After having a meal and several drinks she discovered she’d taken her wallet out of her handbag as well. No problem, she explained to the manager of Joe’s Crab Shack. She’d just nip home and get her money—come back and pay her bill.

So she sets off with the best of intentions, but finds the sidewalk difficult to navigate, apparently, and ends up face-down in a patch of grass outside the restaurant. Enter her knight in shining armor—a local police officer who drove her home. And waited while she found her money.

But the story all goes horribly wrong at this point. After having been inside for several minutes the police officer decided to check up on her—make sure she was still vertical, probably. Carolee claims his sudden appearance in her bedroom frightened her so she ‘attacked’ him with—I love this—a “clear, rigid feminine pleasure device.” You know that could mean any number of things…but in this instance it’s a sex toy.

Needless to say the police officer tackled her and cuffed her apparently for assault—but surely not with a ‘deadly weapon?’

Now, one would think that Carolee might have figured that having a few drinks might lead to some not so good consequences—like having your picture plastered all over the news next to the words, “sex toy”. Not so.

In fact, Carolee is back in the news because as a part of her initial bond—for which she coughed up 10 percent of $20k—Carolee was to stay away from alcohol. But, alas old habits die hard, and Carolee called pretrial services, leaving a bit of a slurred message. A day later, her BAC (blood alcohol content) came in at 0.307; the limit is .08. The result? Carolee’s bond is now at $50k, and she’s behind bars. She was due in court again yesterday.

Not exactly an eBay top-rated seller… I think this man has set a new low. A man on New York’s Long Island has been charged with grand larceny having been accused of stealing some 7,000 JC Penny discount coupons destined for the department store’s customers.

Apparently, 38-year old Thomas Tang was supposed to deliver the coupons, but he kept them instead and sold them on eBay. Unbelievable!

Well, no surprise, he pleaded not guilty at his arraignment and was ordered held on $5,000 cash bail. Apparently, the ‘alleged’ theft occurred between October 2009 and January 2011. No word on how he was caught—but maybe an eBay consumer cottoned on. After all, it’s a pretty strange place to be offloading coupons—and last time I checked coupons were free—or am I just not keeping up with the times?

Maybe this woman just wanted picture books. Seventy-five-year old Joy Cassidy has been charged with damaging library books—quite a few of them—by smearing ketchup, maple syrup and mayonnaise throughout the texts. Her modus operandi involved taking the books from the Ada County Community Library’s drop box.

Estimated cost of the damage—$1,000. Wonder what the cost of the condiments was?

So the judge in Idaho who was hearing her case threw the book at her (couldn’t resist—sorry) and has sentenced her to one month in jail. She’s also been warned to not darken so much as the doors of Boise-area libraries for at least two years.

DIY Cryonics nets pension checks? Oh fiddle-dee-dee—I’ll deal with that tomorrow—that being the body in the freezer. A woman in Carlsbad, NM, who died recently, was not the only dead body found in the house, it turns out. Her relatives who were cleaning out her home, found an unknown body in her freezer.

The local detectives received a tip that the body was that of the woman’s husband, who died in 1997. Who knew that?

The theory is that she kept her husband’s death a secret so she could continue to collect his pension. Hey—it apparently worked.

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