Poetry in Judgment: Inmate’s Case Tossed…Poetically

February 16th, 2016. By LucyC

Well here’s one for the books. A poetic response (literally) to a rather frivolous lawsuit. A judge in Franklin County, Ohio handed down his judgment by writing a 5 stanza poem. Suffice to say, the suit didn’t get the green light.

What was it all about? Darek Lathan, a 47-year old inmate at the Correctional Reception Center in Orient (Ohio) attempted to sue the state after a guard at the center refused to let him use an open restroom during recreation time. Lathan said he soiled himself and was ridiculed as a result. Not pretty. Not very nice, either. But—worthy of a $2 million lawsuit?

Apparently not. At least not according to Franklin County Judge David Cain, who concluded Lathan didn’t have a case. “You know, if he is going to file something that frivolous, he can’t expect me to be too judicious in how I respond,” Judge Cain told The Columbus Dispatch. “He can’t expect me to take it seriously.”

Judge Cain, who had a former career as a journalist, summed it up quite nicely when he penned:

“Claiming loss and shame to boot

the plaintiff filed the present suit,

but the law provideth no relief

from such unmitigated grief.”

“We have to have some fun every once in a while in this job,” Cain told the Dispatch.

Apparently the judge dashed off the entire 5 stanzas in an hour. Well done. As for the plaintiff? He is now incarcerated “elsewhere”.  He didn’t have a lawyer apparently, and made no comment.

Lathan filed his lawsuit in October last year, claiming that while he warned the officer he was struggling with a cold and diarrhea from taking cold showers in the prison, he was refused permission to get out of line. He suffered “harassment, embarrassment, ridiculing (sic) and emotional distress” when other inmates began laughing at him after the bathroom accident, he wrote.

Here’s the poem:

“Cold showers caused his bowels to malfunction

Or so the plaintiff claims

A strict uncaring prison guard

Is whom the plaintiff blames.

While in line for recreation

And little time for hesitation

His anal sphincter just exploded

The plaintiff’s britches quickly loaded.

It made the inmates laugh and play

To see the plaintiff’s pants this way

The foul, unsightly, putrid mess

Caused the plaintiff major stress.

Claiming loss and shame to boot

The plaintiff filed the present suit

But the law provideth no relief

From such unmitigated grief.

Neither runs nor constipation

Can justify this litigation

Whether bowels constrict or flex

De minimus non curat lex.”

Whoa! That’s throwing some serious shade when you start slinging the Latin around!

That last line there translated from Latin means: “the law does not concern itself with trifles.” Clearly not.

In the article from the Columbus Dispatch, Cain, a judge for nearly 30 years, is quoted as follows:

“I read the complaint and quickly concluded that it was totally frivolous,” Cain said after the ruling was posted on the court Website.

“You know, if he is going to file something that frivolous, he can’t expect me to be too judicious in how I respond. He can’t expect me to take it seriously.” This is the first time he’s issued a judgment in rhyme—wonder if it will be the last? Apparently, he only has three years left  before an age restriction prevents him from seeking re-election. “If there’s anything I want to do, I better get about doing it. I just wanted to have some fun.”

Apparently Cain received his journalism degree from Ohio University in 1965 and went on to work at the Dispatch as a reporter for a decade before getting his law degree. In the 1970s, he was among those who wrote song parodies poking fun at local personalities for the Press Club’s Gridiron Shows.

Well, alrighty then. Can’t wait to see what’s next!

This was posted on Tuesday, February 16th, 2016 at 6:33 pm and is filed under Crazy Sh*t Lawyers See . Feel free to respond, or trackback. Read our comments policy.