Need a Job? What about Full-Time Plaintiff? Cha-ching!

July 6th, 2010. By Hunter West

Today, I am embarking on a career change: 

FULL-TIME PLAINTIFF.

I may not be around as much, as I will always be in court—and my name will be in the news a lot, so at least you’ll know what I’m up to. I won’t have to blog as frequently, to keep you apprised of life in the Hunter household. 

You will salivate at the size of my bank account, even after legal fees are deducted. Of course, the strategy is to sue for legal fees, too. 

What set me on this course to dramatically improve my fortune? 

Look north, to Canada, and you will see what opened my eyes. 

Last week, two sets of parents sued the Greater Toronto Hockey League, one of its clubs and four coaches for $25,000 each for the heinous act of cutting their sons from a midget junior ‘A’ team during tryouts in April. 

“Their direct actions have caused irreparable psychological damage to [plaintiff’s] self esteem as an impressionable teenager and demoralized [plaintiff] as an athlete and team hockey player with his peers,” one claim reads. “The conduct by all defendants destroyed the dignity of my son, whom in good conscience gave his team nothing but his best efforts.” 

Statement of claim 2: “When [plaintiff] was advised of his termination by my wife and I, he vowed never to play the game he loved since childhood. And, moreover, his misguided group of defendants demoralized my wife and I, whom had gone well beyond the call of duty as parents in support of the [defendant] for two seasons.” 

That was the clincher, dear friends—although I’ve been giving this career change serious thought for some time…ever since I heard of the Canadian lawsuit back in the winter by a woman who is suing her mobile phone service provider for ruining her life. How? Well, due to a billing change by the service provider, the plaintiff’s husband was suddenly made aware that his wife was having an torrid affair. 

If the service provider hadn’t screwed up, the plaintiff would never have been outed for screwing around. Thus, she is suing because her husband wouldn’t stand for it and her life is in tatters now, and it’s all their fault. 

I mean, this is so sweet. 

The weather guy on TV told me it was going to be sunny today. But it rained. I had intended to lie in the hammock and read. A planned stress day. But I was not able to and it ruined my day. Yes, I know the poor fellow can’t control the weather. But it is his job to predict it. The airwaves are public property, supported by my tax dollars. He didn’t do his job. 

So I’m suing. 

Next on my list is Raisin Bran. My last box did not have two scoops. More like 1.89 scoops. They claimed two scoops. It caused me mental duress. 

I’m suing the bastards. 

My car will not do 180 miles per hour, even though the speedometer says it should. If it can’t do 180, why in hell have the gauge go up to 180? The best I could get out of it was 172, and it wasn’t a fleeting attempt either. I held that pedal down as long as I could to get that last 8 MPH before I finally gave up.

I’m suing for a new engine, damages, mental anguish, unsupportable claims, false advertising, misleading gauge, unrealized potential and the speeding ticket. 

My Bluetooth is NOT blue. Damn them. They will pay. 

My Blackberry is silver and it’s not even a berry. Research in Motion is going to hear from me. 

And the iPad? I’ve taken that thing and shaken the bahoovahs out of it to reset the screen, but it doesn’t work. My old Etch-a-Sketch never let me down when I was a kid, but this thing was many times the price and the screen just won’t clear. 

Apple has lots of money. They need to share some with me. 

And finally, to add insult to injury I got up to make a cup of tea in my motor home the other day. Nowhere, and I mean NOWHERE does it say in the owner’s manual that you can’t get up to access the kitchen while the motor home is moving along the highway and you’re driving. I had cruise control on, for gosh sakes. 

What bastard forgot to include that in the brochure? 

Thus, dear family, this is my new career path. It sounds promising—although I should warn you that I might need some financial support in the early going, just to get me over the hump. However, once the jury awards start coming in and I begin cashing checks, I’ll buy everybody a new car. Sound good? 

Oh, the car thing. That’s not a promise, mind you. Just a qualified statement of intent in good faith. You won’t mind if I ask you to sign waivers, will you? 

One can’t be too careful…

Tags: Defective Product, Lawsuit, Lex Levity

This was posted on Tuesday, July 6th, 2010 at 4:10 pm and is filed under Consumer Fraud, Lex Levity . Feel free to respond, or trackback. Read our comments policy.