Totally Tortelicious Archive

Tip of the Day: Bank Hours Important to Bank Robbery Plan

February 15th, 2011. By LucyC

Sorry, we’re closed – you’ll have to rob someone else. Timing is everything—especially when committing—or trying to commit a robbery. Take the story of this fellow in Cranston, Rhode Island—identity unknown by the way. He reportedly walked into a branch of Citizens Bank inside a grocery store around 7:00 p.m., and slipped a note to the teller. According to Major Robert W. Ryan, of the Cranston police, the note was written on a ripped paper plate and said, “This is a robbery.”

Oh you think so huh? Maybe not. Turned out it was closing time—the teller told him the bank was closing and promptly shut the security door on him. I’m betting she doesn’t get paid overtime…

In any event, the man walked out of the store—without any cash or a new career. The police are looking for him.

Bite me. No, really. This does defy belief. A teenager in Florida who was sporting some rather fetching bite marks, made up a story to explain them to her parents, presumably thinking it would be better than the truth. So—she tells her mother that she had been attacked while jogging. No need to worry…that should keep the parents calm. Not.

Needless to say said youth was whisked away to the local police to tell them her story. According to the South Florida Sun Sentinel, the 15-year old dutifully reported being attacked while jogging. Unfortunately for her, the police were unable to find any evidence of the attack.

Suspecting that perhaps something was amiss, the police questioned the girl again and she eventually confessed to taking part in ‘fantasy biting’ with a 19-year-old man. Oh yes—that’s Read the rest of this entry »

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911, Oh 911, How Should my Pot Garden Grow?

February 7th, 2011. By LucyC

Question: Who do you turn to for horticultural advice on marijuana? Answer: Not 911. But hey, you learn through your mistakes, right? Like 21-year old Robert Michelson, who, confused about the legal implications of growing his own happy grass, decided to go straight to the source—well—straight to the source via 911 (?). He asked the emergency services dispatcher how much trouble he could get into if he grew one marijuana plant. OMG did he ever get an answer.

Michelson was arrested shortly after making the phone call—not the brightest move of his life admittedly. But the police response was so heavy—I’m left wondering why it didn’t include a SWAT team.

The police showed up at the boy’s house and seized a small amount of pot and some drug paraphernalia. For his part, Michelson admitted that he’d bought seeds and equipment for growing marijuana. This cost him—or more likely his parents—$5,000—in bail. He was released but not before he was charged with marijuana possession and other crimes. Other crimes? Must have been a slow day at the station.

First thing to do when getting out of jail? Go to Disney World? Uh, no. Maybe this guy was trying to add to his resume—sorry—rap sheet. He was not a day out of jail—where he was awaiting trial on charges of assaulting his girlfriend—when he decided to steal a car and rob a bank.

Upper Yoder police say 29-year-old Richard Brandon Johnson robbed the First Commonwealth Bank in Bens Creek, Western Pennsylvania, on Wednesday February 2. But his Jessie James moment was short lived, as he was arrested a couple of hours later. And, as he left the clothes he wore during the robbery in the stolen Jeep—the police had no problem charging him with the robbery, as well as theft.

Apparently, he was unable to post the $500,000 bond, which one can safely assume was a good thing.

Would this make a good Polident commercial? The scene opens with a speeding car crashing into two other vehicles, then going through a fence and ending up in some landscaping where it finally comes to a stop. Boom! The airbags go off, dislodging the driver’s teeth, which fall the floorboard of the vehicle—clearly he wasn’t using Polident. But he doesn’t have time to stop—and heads out on foot—dentureless—in an effort to escape capture. Fleeing the scene of the accident. And the caption reads…well—I’ll leave that up to you.

In fact, it was the false teeth that enabled California police to identify 53-year old James Brown and arrest him for fleeing the scene of an accident and possession of a stolen car. Oh yes—did I mention the car he was driving was stolen? Might want to leave that out of the commercial—not good branding. One other minor detail—Brown, who also identified himself as James Hackett, had an outstanding escape warrant in Washington, D.C. 

Where did I leave that damn cell phone? Police in Maryland arrested 25-year-old Cody Wilkins after finding his cell phone charging at the scene of a burglary. Yes—true.

The story goes that Wilkins was in the process of robbing a house when the homeowner’s son came home. Needless to say this surprised Wilkins and he jumped out a window and took off. But without his cell phone.

The homeowner’s son called the police, as one does in this type of situation, and when they searched the house they found Wilkins’ phone plugged in and charging. It doesn’t take a MENSA member to figure the rest out.

Apparently, the Montgomery County police say Wilkins’ home was among those that lost power last week as a result of a snow storm. And, it turns out, Wilkins has a track record—arrest records show he’s been linked to other break-ins, so his bail was set at $1 million. That’s one expensive cell phone.

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Sex Toy Self-Defense Only the Beginning of her Legal Woes

February 2nd, 2011. By LucyC

Well, he did have handcuffs… Who needs pepper spray—when you can save money on personal defense and use what you already have at hand. Just don’t get carried away—like poor old Carolee Bildsten.

Fifty-six year old Carolee was out for a night on the town back in November—and decided to travel light. So she emptied her handbag of clutter before heading out to the bar. After having a meal and several drinks she discovered she’d taken her wallet out of her handbag as well. No problem, she explained to the manager of Joe’s Crab Shack. She’d just nip home and get her money—come back and pay her bill.

So she sets off with the best of intentions, but finds the sidewalk difficult to navigate, apparently, and ends up face-down in a patch of grass outside the restaurant. Enter her knight in shining armor—a local police officer who drove her home. And waited while she found her money.

But the story all goes horribly wrong at this point. After having been inside for several minutes the police officer decided to check up on her—make sure she was still vertical, probably. Carolee claims his sudden appearance in her bedroom frightened her so she ‘attacked’ him with—I love this—a “clear, rigid feminine pleasure device.” You know that could mean any number of things…but in this instance it’s a sex toy.

Needless to say the police officer tackled her and cuffed her apparently for assault—but surely not with a ‘deadly weapon?’

Now, one would think that Carolee might have figured that having a few drinks might lead to some not so good consequences—like having your picture plastered all over the news next to the words, “sex toy”. Not so.

In fact, Carolee is back in the news because as a part of her initial bond—for which she coughed up 10 percent of $20k—Carolee was to stay away from alcohol. But, alas old habits die hard, and Carolee called pretrial services, leaving a bit of a slurred message. A day later, her BAC (blood alcohol content) came in at 0.307; the limit is .08. The result? Carolee’s bond is now at $50k, and she’s behind bars. She was due in court again yesterday.

Not exactly an eBay top-rated seller… I think this man has set a new low. A man on New York’s Long Island has been charged with grand larceny having been accused of stealing some 7,000 JC Penny discount coupons destined for the department store’s customers.

Apparently, 38-year old Thomas Tang was supposed to deliver the coupons, but he kept them instead and sold them on eBay. Unbelievable!

Well, no surprise, he pleaded not guilty at his arraignment and was ordered held on $5,000 cash bail. Apparently, the ‘alleged’ theft occurred between October 2009 and January 2011. No word on how he was caught—but maybe an eBay consumer cottoned on. After all, it’s a pretty strange place to be offloading coupons—and last time I checked coupons were free—or am I just not keeping up with the times?

Maybe this woman just wanted picture books. Seventy-five-year old Joy Cassidy has been charged with damaging library books—quite a few of them—by smearing ketchup, maple syrup and mayonnaise throughout the texts. Her modus operandi involved taking the books from the Ada County Community Library’s drop box.

Estimated cost of the damage—$1,000. Wonder what the cost of the condiments was?

So the judge in Idaho who was hearing her case threw the book at her (couldn’t resist—sorry) and has sentenced her to one month in jail. She’s also been warned to not darken so much as the doors of Boise-area libraries for at least two years.

DIY Cryonics nets pension checks? Oh fiddle-dee-dee—I’ll deal with that tomorrow—that being the body in the freezer. A woman in Carlsbad, NM, who died recently, was not the only dead body found in the house, it turns out. Her relatives who were cleaning out her home, found an unknown body in her freezer.

The local detectives received a tip that the body was that of the woman’s husband, who died in 1997. Who knew that?

The theory is that she kept her husband’s death a secret so she could continue to collect his pension. Hey—it apparently worked.

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Idiots Give New Meaning to Snow Job and Get Caught

January 25th, 2011. By LucyC

Here’s a short list of some of the dumber things would-be crooks got up to around the country recently.

Can you name 10 things you shouldn’t do in a snow storm? I’ll bet you can—but I’ll also bet that robbery wouldn’t be one of the items that made your list. But there are three hapless teenagers who now know first-hand that it ain’t a bright idea.

An 18-year old youth, referred to as Darian O, and his two buddies aged 17 and 16, used their initiative to rob motorists stranded in the snow in Kansas City, MO. Nope. Not kidding.

Imagine—you’re stuck in your car in the snow—or trying to dig it out—when these three kids come up to—you would think to offer their assistance. But no—it’s ‘give me your money! and possible watch, credit cards, CDs, iPod—whatever you got.’

As fate would have it, Darian O. and friends also got stuck in the snow—their car wasn’t going anywhere—as if in some kind of inspired protest. The police caught up with them and charged them with robbery. I hope they have to shovel the jailhouse exercise yard for the rest of the winter!

PS—this is something one likely shouldn’t do at all—regardless of the weather.

Well, those cop cars do have red lights on top… Here’s another 911 story—this one about a man in North Carolina man who was arrested after he phoned 911 while trying to find a prostitute. Apparently, he asked the Lexington Police Department for “a non-emergency domestic escort.”

Ok—I don’t even want to imagine what an emergency domestic escort scenario would involve…

As it turns out, the fellow did get an escort—in a black and white car—the kind with flashing lights on top—all the way to the jail. Charges? Misusing 911. What is it about 911?

To press “TALK”, or not to press “TALK”? And another skill-testing question—if you’ve stolen a cell phone should you answer it—if it rings?

A couple of would be purse-snatchers didn’t know the answer to that question, as they sat, phone ringing on the car seat next to them, providing information to the police officer who had just pulled them over.

One of the officers—the one in the squad car—called the cell phone—and it started ringing while the suspects sat next to it in their vehicle. Cute.

Nassau County Detective Sgt. John Giambrone said that when the officer made the call, the stolen phone was “on the front seat of the car, in plain view, inside a white paper bag from an Italian restaurant.” I guess that sealed the deal.

So you can buy the beer or go to jail… the police officer said to a 30-year old man who had just stolen a 30-can pack of Budweiser. Well, maybe not exactly those words, but ‘Bud Man’, of Tulsa, OK, was offered a choice. And he chose—to take off in his car.

Don’t know if he was caught. But I would imagine he did need a drink after that little altercation. 

Least they waited for the Rose Parade to be over…And finally, a couple of bright fellows in California hatched a plot to steal a brass lamp that sat atop a historic light pole in Pasadena. Who knows.

Frank Bise, 44, and Steven Dickinson, 52, were caught—my guess would be because the job couldn’t be done quickly, quietly or without involving some heavy equipment. Apparently, recycling centers and scrap yards pay a pretty penny for brass lamps. I’m guessing these two are not career criminals…

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Refurb Vacuum with $280K Worth of Illegal Extras

January 19th, 2011. By LucyC

What’s inside your vacuum? A woman in Green Bay, WI found 2 pounds of crystal methamphetamine and 2.2 pounds of cocaine. Shrink wrapped mind you—not loose. That was considerate, considering what a mess it could have caused.

The woman said she had been given the refurbished vacuum as a Christmas present from her children— where do they shop?

The local department store, as it turns out. In fact, the vacuum was refurbished in that well-known region of Mexico—Juarez—purported home to career mass murders and drug traffickers—then packed and shipped without triggering any kind of alarms. Lt. David Poteat told the Green Bay Press-Gazette that no one noticed anything untoward, including the department store where the vacuum had been purchased. It wasn’t until the woman opened the box the vacuum came in that the ‘bonus items’ were discovered.

Officials estimate the street value of the booty at $280,000. Good thing the stuff wasn’t stored in a blender instead. That would certainly have made an interesting ‘power drink.’

Valet parking at the hospital—really? While some hospitals do offer valet service, they typically have a sign or two up—and even a little valet booth. So I’m thinking this one’s a case of ‘if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.’ A pregnant woman in Massachusetts who was experiencing labor pains and decided, Read the rest of this entry »

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