Totally Tortelicious Archive

Burglar gets in, gets Loaded, gets Stuck

January 11th, 2011. By LucyC

Looks like 2011 is off to a good start in the “are you kidding?” category.

And I’m Wasted And I Can’t Find My Way Home…I really don’t know where to start with this one. A 44-year old would-be—no—make that actual—burglar called the cops because he needed help getting out of the house he was trying to rob.

John Finch of Wilmington, Delaware (that’s him as he appeared on-screen at CBS/Philly news), broke into a house he had in fact broken into before. Not uncommon. However, the homeowner was obviously expecting a repeat performance and had the locks changed. The new security system required a key to unlock doors and windows, from the inside as well as the outside, apparently. So Finch was forced to climb through a window to gain entry. No idea how he figured that out.

Anyway, so far, so good from Finch’s perspective. And the party just got better once he had gained entry—because he discovered a fully stocked bar.

But, all good things must come to an end, as the saying goes. And after Finch had managed to empty three bottles of gin and two of whiskey he decided this party was over with and tried to leave. Not surprisingly, he couldn’t find his way out of the house, and was too drunk to crawl back out the window he had come in through.

So he called 911 for help. Now that would have been an interesting call.

The police came, they saw, and they arrested Finch, for both burglaries, then they took him to the hospital. Inspiring, isn’t it?

Can He Make It 5 For 5? This guy must really need the money. So far he’s robbed four banks in Read the rest of this entry »

Tags: Tortelicious
Posted in Totally Tortelicious | No Comments »

‘Ozzy made me do it’ not the Best Defense…

January 4th, 2011. By LucyC

Ozzy made me do it! A man in Ohio who was arrested for drunken-driving is blaming his arrest on Ozzy Osbourne. Really? How does that work?

Arrested for DUI on Christmas Eve, William Liston reportedly told police officers, “Ozzy Osbourne and his music made me do it.” Just on the off chance you’re not acquainted with Ozzy’s contribution to world music, he’s the lead singer of the heavy metal band Black Sabbath, which was big in the 1970s, as I recall, and he also works as a solo artist with titles like “Paranoid” and “Road to Nowhere.” Enough said, I think.

So, Liston is awaiting arraignment. And, it turns out that he pled not guilty earlier that week to charges of breaking into a medical office. No relation to the drunk driving case. He was released on a bond.

Maybe Led Zeppelin’s “Dazed and Confused” would have been a more appropriate music choice…

Speaking of ’70’s music, how ’bout some CSN Deja Vu? Sometimes, the answer is right there in front of you—as in this situation. Some bright spark thought he would do a quick drive-through robbery of a fast-food joint in Southern California.

So he rolls up to the drive through window and—I’m guessing—says—”this is a robbery—give me your money” (how complicated can it be?) But that’s when things started to go wrong— Read the rest of this entry »

Tags: Totally Tortelicious
Posted in Totally Tortelicious | No Comments »

iPhone as Deadly Weapon? Mmmaybe Not

December 29th, 2010. By LucyC

Don’t Drive Up, Drive Right Thru the ATM! Here’s an alternate approach to breaking the bank. A man in Jacksonville, FL, decided to hit the ATM before Christmas…using his bulldozer. That would have attracted attention, no doubt. And of course he got caught—but not without putting up a fight. 

Thirty-one year old Robert Anderson used his frontloader to rip open a VyStar ATM near Marietta, and he was successful in getting some cash. However, during his getaway he allegedly tried to run over a police officer. A move not recommended, for a number of reasons. The police claim that Anderson didn’t stop when they tried to pull him over. Instead, he put the bulldozer in reverse and drove toward one of the officers. Problem solving is obviously not this guy’s strong suit. 

In any event, he was caught, and is now being held in jail. He is being held on grand theft charges having made off with an unspecified amount—something between $20,000 and $100,000. His wife misses him very much and wishes he was home for Christmas—so their children can spend Christmas with him. Well, they can always visit him. 

Armed with a Deadly iPhone? Does your iPhone have the restaurant robbery app? This guy’s does. Twenty-year old Jerome Taylor, from New London, CT, tried to rob a Northern Indian restaurant the Wednesday before Christmas, but rethought that plan on the fly, when the Read the rest of this entry »

Tags: Tortelicious
Posted in Totally Tortelicious | No Comments »

Police are on the Trail – And How! It’s Tortelicious…

December 21st, 2010. By LucyC

Happy Trails to you…! How not to spend your retirement…Apparently bored with the more conventional past-times afforded retirees— you know—bridge, golf, internet dating—a former police chief of a small Los Angeles County suburb has been accused of spreading  nude pictures of himself and exposing himself near hiking trails, according to local officials.  

“Nothing in this job surprises us anymore,” Anaheim police Sgt. Rick Martinez told AOL News. “You never know…as long as these people come from the human race, anything is possible.”  Uh—where else would they come from? Does this guy know something the rest of us don’t?

Fifty-six year old Paul Lawrence Wadley (shown here), who retired in June, took to spreading pictures of male and female genitalia along a hiking path in Anaheim. Problem was he left his fingerprint on the back of one of them. Apparently he also took to doing the trail semi-naked on his hands and knees. Oh, that’s attractive. 

So Wadley has been charged with one count of indecent exposure. According to Martinez, Wadley is out of the country and he thinks it’s possible that the ex-chief doesn’t even know he’s been charged. And yes—he’s still at large, and could be coming to a hiking trail near you, for that all-natural close encounter you really don’t want. 

Time to reconsider the treadmill…

Getaway choice got him nabbed. (Though I think this clueless wonder would’ve been nabbed regardless…) More weirdness in Florida this week—some fellow robbed a Winn-Dixie of 11 Read the rest of this entry »

Tags: Tortelicious
Posted in Totally Tortelicious | No Comments »

Outrage! Why Wasn’t Diego in a Car Seat? No Diego, Don’t Go!

December 14th, 2010. By LucyC

This week it’s all about getting creative. 

Diego’s Riding Shotgun. Take this fellow for instance. Knowing he was going to be late for work—and who needs that stress in this economy—he decided to take “Go, Diego, Go!” to a whole new level.

He grabbed his child’s Diego doll, strapped it in to the passenger seat, and headed off down the highway—in the HOV lane.

As you can imagine, Diego was a model passenger, sitting quietly with seat belt buckled, no texting, no emails, no spilled coffee, last minute make-up applications, or attention deficit radio station issues. The ideal travel companion, I would have said.

For those of us who lack an in-depth knowledge of children’s TV, “Go, Diego, Go!” is a tot’s cartoon series and subsequent marketing empire, which includes the doll Diego, obviously. Diego is a spin-off of Dora the Explorer. Additional genealogy can be found at Wikipedia.

But Deigo, it seems, was a little too well behaved on the ride into work. His calm composure and enormous, unblinking eyes gave the Washington state trooper laying in wait on the Interstate 405 onramp, reason to suspect that either something very naughty was going on under the dashboard, or, well, it might be not be human (which speaks volumes about human behavior).

Of course, state troopers are savvy to the fact that people do use the high occupancy lane with only one person in the car—or their children’s dolls in the passenger seat, or maybe even a blow-up doll. So, when Daddy was pulled over, he confessed everything: the truth is always best in these types of situations. He was cited for the HOV lane violation, which no doubt made him late for work after all. 

You know, I think this story might make a good” Go, Diego, Go!” episode: “Diego Goes to Work.” 

Rule #1: Don’t Jilt a Lawyer. Following on from monster brides and bridezillas—there’s now a Read the rest of this entry »

Tags: Tortelicious
Posted in Totally Tortelicious | No Comments »