Posts Tagged ‘ Tortelicious ’

On Disability by Day. Stripper by Night. It’s Totally Tortelicious

May 4th, 2010. By LucyC

Welcome to Totally Tortelicious—a review of some of the more bizarre legal stories making news—and there’s certainly no shortage of them.

What was in that drink? Some woman in Chicago is suing a hair salon because she fell through their plate glass window from the sidewalk—the result of her attempt to kick (and presumably do damage to) her husband, whom she was fighting with. Now that’s attractive.

Did I mention she’d had a few drinks? Well, she had, and she did, mention it to the lawyer she hired that is. In fact that was her point—she claimed that the window should have been made of stronger stuff—fortified somehow—because it’s located on a sidewalk “frequently traveled by intoxicated pedestrians.”

Are you kidding me? What on earth was in her Kool-Aid? Sounds to me like she just likes to pick fights…

She won’t be jiggling out of this one. I think this one’s a little unfair. A waitress in Pennsylvania recently got nabbed for fraud for claiming disability while working at a ‘jiggle joint’. (Haven’t heard that one before).

She had apparently claimed she had a back injury, but was spotted by private investigators dancing at C.R. Fanny’s Gentleman’s Club (I love that term…) while taking $27,000 in disability benefits.

I don’t know, I think she demonstrated a very enterprising spirit. And, besides, I don’t think a perfectly healthy back is a primary requirement in that line of work…

What interests me is who hired the private investigators?

Hide and Seek—or would that be Seek and Hide? A 28-year old man was found hiding under a neighbor’s sport utility vehicle after stealing some prescription Xanax from his mother—and hey—the goods were stashed in her bra in an effort to prevent just such a situation.

Apparently she woke up to find him stealing the prescription medication. But the report doesn’t say whether she was wearing her bra at the time.

FYI—Xanax is benzodiazepine used to treat anxiety and panic. Getting a picture here?

The son, showing equal ingenuity, notwithstanding managing to squeeze himself under an SUV, had managed to get his hands on 22 pills and wrapped 15 of them in toilet paper then hidden them in his sock. When the police searched his room they found more pills and various drug-related stuff. So, he’s in jail with a bond set at $40K.

Well, maybe his mother will sleep a little better now…at least she won’t be interrupted.

Tags: Tortelicious
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Floatin’ in Manure, Drive-by Darts & the 911 Taxi: it’s Tortelicious

April 27th, 2010. By LucyC

Welcome to Totally Tortelicious—a review of some of the more bizarre legal stories making news. Goodness knows there’s no shortage of them. 

Talk about being in the s#!t. A man in north-eastern Indiana tried to hide from the police in a liquid manure pit—yup—neck-deep in a combination of dog and hog feces. Eewww. This is the stuff nightmares and reality TV shows are made of… 

The fellow was wanted on methamphetamine charges and was trying to lose the police. Somehow he ended up on a farm near Albion, and decided to take the plunge. Apparently he was hiding in the liquid manure pit for at least an hour. I wonder if he had to tread watery-manure to stay afloat? (ohmygod…this doesn’t bear thinking about). 

Anyway, the police hauled the 52-year old out of the crapper so to speak, arrested him and took him to hospital where he was treated for hypothermia before being taken to jail. No doubt the police would have had to hosed him down before putting him in the squad car. I guess this is the stuff they don’t tell you about when you join ‘the Force’.

This story is anything but pedestrian(s)…As a driver, I can think of several reasons why pedestrians frankly, are a pain (except when I’m on foot, of course). However, one woman in Wisconsin got a little carried away in fulfilling her anti-pedestrian fantasies. 

Forty-one year old Paula Wolf was arrested while driving her black minivan, following reports from several pedestrians that they had been hit with some sort of flying object while walking down the street. 

Paula would likely have gotten away with her random attacks, had it not been for a rather astute victim who saw the dart being shot from a pipe that was sticking out of a window in the van. That would certainly give you pause—long enough to get hit. 

Apparently, Ms. Wolf, who eventually confessed to shooting several people, none of whom were seriously injured, told the police officers that she “liked to hear people say ouch.”  Is that really the best excuse she could come up with?

Can’t find a cab? Call 911. That’s what some enterprising partier did in an effort to get home from a nightclub in New Haven, Connecticut. And this young lady was persistent. Twenty-eight year old Quandria Bailey apparently had trouble making the police understand the urgency of the situation, because she called the emergency services number six times asking for a ride home. The dispatcher must have wondered what the heck was going on. 

Presumably the police did pick her up in the end, because she was charged with six counts of misuse of the 911 system. And some poor plonker had to get out of bed at the crack of pre-dawn on a Sunday morning and pony up $1000 to get her out of jail. I don’t think so. 

All this has resulted in the New Haven police issuing a warning to the public not to follow suit—just in case there was any doubt in the public’s mind as to the real purpose of 911. Maybe they ought to define the term ’emergency’  because it seems to mean different things to different generations…

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Tortelicious: God’s Handiwork, the HVAC Trap & Onion Rings

April 20th, 2010. By LucyC

Welcome to Totally Tortelicious—a review of some of the more bizarre legal stories making news. Goodness knows there’s no shortage of them. 

It’s a blooming shame, but a couple in Texas have had to scale back their wild floral tribute to their home state, under threat of legal action by their local homeowners’ association.

Apparently, Eddie and Melissa Smith’s bluebonnets are colonizing the neighborhood greenspace, unprompted, and threatening the “aesthetic harmony” of the subdivision. Umm.

Five years ago the couple planted three—yes three—bluebonnet plants purchased from the local home improvement store. Over the five years the flowers have, in their bid for subdivision domination, spread throughout the Smith’s entire lawn, jumped the sidewalk to the curb, and successfully covered through the corner lot, all without prompting, the Smith’s claim. No fertilizer, no extra water. Just some highly motivated plants. And, as Mrs. Smith notes, “It was God’s handiwork.”

Apparently, the Ridgeview Park Homeowners Association demanded the Smiths mow the bluebonnets and re-sod the front lawn, the Dallas Morning News reported. The Smith’s even received a certified letter from the association via a Dallas law office, requiring that they conform to the “aesthetic harmony” of the subdivision. ( I think they meant that their plants conform…)

Thankfully, a compromise was reached just in the nick of time, enabling the Smiths to keep their wildflowers, but only in contained flowerbeds… Isn’t that some sort of oxymoron?  

Creative or just plain stupid? A 20-year old who was attempting to rob a BP convenience store in North East, MD last week, was found dangling from the ventilation system at the back of the facility Read the rest of this entry »

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Tortelicious: Senior Ex-Cons Still Got It (well, almost)

April 13th, 2010. By LucyC

Welcome to Totally Tortelicious—a review of some of the more bizarre legal stories making news. Goodness knows there’s no shortage of them.

In Search of a Higher Risk Retirement Portfolio? Try bank robbery…A trio of seniors was apprehended outside a suburban Chicago bank recently, for suspicious behavior. (No, not that kind). The three old boys, dressed all in black when they were arrested, were ‘casing the joint’, as the expression goes, in preparation for a robbery. But it turns out this was not some kind of a gag or attempt to break free from the old folks home. Although I would say it was a temporary lapse in sanity.

Joseph “Jerry” Scalise, 73, of Clarendon Hills, Ill., Arthur Rachel, 71, of Chicago and Robert “Bobby” Pullia, 69, of Plainfield, Ill., were all suspects in an earlier robbery in 2007 and were under investigation by the FBI. In fact they were under surveillance, unbeknownst to them, which is presumably how they were spotted hanging around the First National Bank in La Grange, IL, especially on the days that an armored car would make a visit.

It turns out these fellows have quite the criminal pedigree—well two of them at any rate. Scalise and Rachel were alleged Chicago mob figures, who reportedly were released from prisons in the UK in 1993, after spending 13 years behind bars for the theft of the 45-carat Marlborough Diamond and other gems from a London jewelry store. That payday was worth $2.6 million in total, and the gems were never recovered. And, Scalise was a technical adviser on “Public Enemies,” the movie about John Dillinger filmed in Chicago in 2008. They should have pooled their loot and hired a financial adviser.

No More Hangin’ Around the Beer Cooler and Gettin’ Paid for it…Dozens of workers walked off the job in Copenhagen last week, in protest of new rules that would restrict their drinking alcohol on the job to their lunch breaks, in the canteen. This could be a very sad thing for the whole country, not just the workers, as their employer is the Danish brewer Carlsberg. And, not only did about 1000 workers walk out on Wednesday/Thursday, the truck drivers went out in support as well—so the whole country could be facing a drought. Apparently there were interruptions to beer transports “in and around Copenhagen.”

The strike is in response to a “tightening” of rules on workplace drinking, and the removal of beer coolers from work sites. Okee dokee.

Before the rule went into place, workers could help themselves to beer throughout the day, Read the rest of this entry »

Tags: Carlsberg Beer, First National Bank, Tattoo, Tortelicious
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The Rat in my Beer Lawsuit and other Tortelicious Gems

April 6th, 2010. By LucyC

Welcome to Totally Tortelicious—a review of some of the more bizarre legal stories making news. Goodness knows there’s no shortage of them.  

Sabor Con Caracter…and then some: What would you do if you opened a bottle of beer and found a rat’s head floating around inside? A firefighter in Texas, who media reports describe as “A retired, litigious Texas firefighter,” decided to sue the makers of the beer. 

Everett Johnston reportedly found a rat’s head in a bottle of Tecate Light (not light enough for the rat, apparently), which has caused him such severe psychological trauma—two years out mind you—that he is now unable to look after his elderly father (maybe his father should count his blessings…). 

Johnston wants a cool $1 million for his pain and suffering. Are you kidding me? How on earth did this guy make into the fire department in the first place?

And—of greater wonder—how on earth did a rat’s head manage to fit through a roughly 20mm wide hole to get into the bottle of beer in the first place? We’ve all heard stories of mice and rats navigating through tight Read the rest of this entry »

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