Posts Tagged ‘ Tortelicious ’

Do You Want Me? Don’t Ask Police what You Don’t Want to Know

October 11th, 2010. By LucyC

Welcome to Totally Tortelicious—a review of some of the more bizarre legal stories making news—and there’s certainly no shortage of them. 

I think it must be one of those weeks when the planets are lined up badly…for example…

I Want You to Want Me…? A woman in Cincinnati got herself arrested in an act of, well, sheer stupidity. What the heck, maybe she was having a short-term memory lapse—maybe menopause was exacting its toll on her brain cells, maybe she just wanted a workout, or maybe it was drugs. Whatever the reason, 44-year-old Selma Elmore was apparently overwhelmed by the need to know—was there an outstanding arrest warrant against her? Better find out! And who better to ask than your local neighborhood police officer. Go straight to the source—that ‘a girl! 

So she flagged down a police officer and asked him—am I wanted? (By the police, just to be clear). Well, I don’t know what she said but it’s not hard to imagine the exchange. If I were the police officer I’m not sure I would have believed the woman was genuine. But, this officer did. And when he informed Selma that she was in fact wanted—by the police—she took off on foot. What a surprise. 

But Selma is no armchair athlete. The police officer took off after her, eventually catching her up, but she pushed him into a wall, injuring his elbow. (I think this rules out temporary memory lapses and hormonal fluctuations as probable cause). The officer, realizing that he did not have the upper hand, called in reinforcements who eventually apprehended Selma.  

What was the fuss all about? Selma was originally wanted for allegedly failing to pay a fine as a result of a drug conviction. But her curiosity has only served to increase her rap sheet, as she now faces a charge of resisting arrest. Ignorance is bliss, I say.

No! No! Not the Water! As for this guy—maybe he wanted to re-use his costume for Halloween. Clad in a face mask from the thriller movie “Scream”, a man—shown at left and yet to be identified or caught—tried to hold up a Dunkin Donuts shop in New York’s Long Island.

Apparently, he walked in through the back door of the establishment—waving a silver Read the rest of this entry »

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Granny, in Bit of a Pickle, Offers Officer Grilled Cheese

October 4th, 2010. By LucyC

Welcome to Totally Tortelicious—a review of some of the more bizarre legal stories making news—and there’s certainly no shortage of them. 

Occifer Not Biting Granny’s Grilled Cheese. Most police officers who have pulled people over on suspicion of drunken driving have likely heard all kinds of excuses and been made all sorts of offers by the drivers in an attempt to get out of any potential charges. But this Grandmother (God help the grandchildren) has, I think come up with something completely original. 

Sixty-five year old Elsie Wright O’Connor tried to bribe her way out of a DUI charge by offering to make the arresting officer a grilled cheese sandwich. 

I wonder if that included a dill pickle… 

Dear old Elsie, needless to say, failed in her attempt to persuade the officer that depriving society of a grandmother and the maker of a rather good grilled cheese are reasons enough to drop the charges. Hey, maybe he’d already eaten. Maybe he’s lactose intolerant…maybe she should have offered him a choice—egg salad and tuna fish are usually pretty popular. 

But from the sound of it, the evidence was rather damning. Another driver, obviously ignorant of Elsie’s status and talents, reported her vehicle to the police as she nonchalantly swerved her way down the highway. When she was pulled over, Marion County Deputy Calvin Batts reportedly smelled a wee something on her breath—which he quickly surmised was in some way connected to the one and a half empty Skyy Vodka bottles rolling around in her Cadillac SUV. Enter the offer of a grilled cheese sandwich.

“Come on now, I’m a grandma, can’t you do something for me since I’m not that bad,” Batts Read the rest of this entry »

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Looks like a Stuffed Toy Horse, but Maybe it’s a Bomb!

September 14th, 2010. By LucyC

Welcome to Totally Tortelicious—a review of some of the more bizarre legal stories making news—and there’s certainly no shortage of them.  

Is ToysRUs Next? Ok—I think someone’s been watching a little too much bad TV. A stuffed toy horse that had been abandoned in the school yard of Waterbridge Elementary in Orlando, Florida was blown up by the local bomb squad last week, as no one, apparently, could see any good reason for it being there. (I wonder if they could apply that same logic to Disneyworld…)

The toy had a saddle and ribbons for reins, which may contributed to its being labeled a ‘suspicious device’. Who knows.  But the toy’s appearance prompted a fully kitted-out bomb squad to descend on the school, sending the students home, and the school into ‘lockdown’.  It even made the local TV station’s evening news. Thank god no one tried to take the horse through security at an airport…

Don’t believe me? You can watch it the whole sorry affair in the video above…

Bongo Jesus goes Beserk. It must be something in the water…but Bongo Jesus was clearly not feeling the love, or anything close from the sounds of it, when a ‘friend’—now former friend—shared some criticism over BJ’s guitar playing.

Brandin Hochstrasser, the 31-year old Wisconsin street musician also known as “Bongo Jesus” apparently went a bit mad when an unarmed, 54-year old man decided to offer Read the rest of this entry »

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Man Impersonates Sheriff for 911 Towel Service

September 7th, 2010. By LucyC

Welcome to Totally Tortelicious—a review of some of the more bizarre legal stories making news—and there’s certainly no shortage of them.

Hotel 911. I like this guy. Demonstrating a finely tuned sense of humor, I would say, a homeless man in Portland, Oregon made himself at home in a suburban homeowner’s hot tub for about 10 hours. Long enough to get good and wrinkly, and cold. So Mark Eskelsen called 911 and requested delivery of some towels, hot chocolate, and a hug. Ok—that’s my line in the sand.

But Eskelsen, obviously smart enough to know that an upfront request for these items would likely be met with any number of disadvantageous responses, identified himself as the sheriff of Washington County, when he called 911 from his cell phone. Cell phone? He must pay a fortune in roaming charges…(oh—was that a groan I heard?) And he asked for medical help. “I just need a hug and a warm cup of hot chocolate with marshmallows in it.” Seems reasonable to me.

Not so to the police, who could have spent their time catching the real bad guys. They arrested Eskelsen for second-degree criminal trespassing and improper use of 911. What is this thing with 911?

Texting for Tokes? And a little more insanity. There is a school of thought that says teenagers have no common sense, and after reading this story, I have to agree. A 16-year old in Montana texted, accidentally (??), the local sheriff asking if he could buy some Read the rest of this entry »

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Mercy! 3-Letter Word Costs Mercy Flights $30k

August 31st, 2010. By LucyC

Welcome to Totally Tortelicious—a review of some of the more bizarre legal stories making news—and there’s certainly no shortage of them.

Mercy Me! Where are these guys when it comes to apostrophe abuse? The US Department of Transportation(DOT) has fined a non-profit $30,000 for ‘incorrectly’ using the possessive personal pronoun ‘our’ with respect to sales jargon, if I understand this scenario correctly.

Short version, Mercy Flights, an air ambulance firm based out of Oregon, and one of the country’s oldest air ambulance operators, apparently broke laws, according to the DOT, that prohibit unfair and deceptive practices in the sales of air transportation by saying it is “our helicopter.” Really? How careless!

It seems that the helicopter was purchased for Mercy Flights exclusive use, but an entirely separate company

was set up for the deal, and that separate company is the owner of the helicopter—on paper.

The DOT, not without mercy themselves, apparently, have said that Mercy only has to pay half the fine, if they avoid further pronoun violations for one year. My God. What do these guys do when they read a newspaper?

Maybe they could check sentence structure on road signage sometime…

The Brownie Bandit—heard of him? He’s quite famous in his neck of the woods—which is Gonzales, Louisiana. Why? Because he steals brownies. Those delicious, gooey, chocolaty little squares of sugar, butter and flour beloved the world over. Diet food empires have been founded on the backs of these little slices of heaven. But it’s very hard to produce a low calorie version that can produce the same orgasmic effect—on your taste buds.

I digress.

Although the brownie bandit is obviously as smitten as myself—actually more so.

He was recently apprehended by the police with a bag full of brownies, after having broken into Read the rest of this entry »

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