Posts Tagged ‘ Tortelicious ’

Twenty and Still Not Potty Trained? It’s Tortelicious

June 8th, 2010. By AbiK

Welcome to Totally Tortelicious—a review of some of the more bizarre legal stories making news—and there’s certainly no shortage of them.

[Note: Lucy’s on vacation this week, so I’m taking a swing at Tortelicious today…]

Diaper Genie He’s Not. What’s a guy with an apparent diaper fetish to do when the Depends at the local drugstore just don’t seem to be cutting it? Dillon Makuski of Amherst, WI seems to have a thing for wearing diapers. But not just any ol’ diapers. He likes ’em dirty. (You know I’ll never get to write that line here again—ever.) And that means he has to get his kicks by keeping tabs on who has the dirty diapers.

And that’s just what he did.

But it would be a bit strange (really?) to just go ring the doorbell of some home where a baby lives and ask for some used diapers. Better to try and steal them! And, again, that’s just what he did.

The plan, however, did not go as well as plotted. The homeowner with the soggy diaper stash happened to catch Makuski in the act. And then the cops came. Makuski was caught yellow?-handed with six soiled diapers in his pockets. Hope they were cargo pants. He also had “burglary tools”, whatever that means.

So Makuski’s now got 30 months probation and 200 hours of community service to do. Oh, and as if you couldn’t see this one coming, he also has to undergo a psychiatric examination.

Absolut Moron. Well, I could be a little kinder there—but why? If the shoe fits… So John Dematteo was set to appear in court in South Brunswick, NJ on a DWI summons. Ok, so it wasn’t his first flirtation with driving while intoxicated–he also had a DWI arrest in 2006.

So maybe he was a bit nervous about showing up in court again. I can understand that. But rather than heading out for a massage, or I don’t know, maybe a Reiki session, he opted for an old standby: booze. Absolut Vodka. Raspberry flavor Read the rest of this entry »

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Unemployed? Skip the Bath and Start Suing! (It’s Tortelicous)

June 1st, 2010. By LucyC

Welcome to Totally Tortelicious—a review of some of the more bizarre legal stories making news—and there’s certainly no shortage of them. 

This fellow’s taken ‘get a job’ to a whole new level. Apparently well known in certain legal circles, 61-year old Richard Kreimer—homeless in New York—has filed a lawsuit against Amtrak in Philadelphia, alleging they had the police forcibly remove him from their station. 

Now, 20 years ago he tasted the sweet smell of success when he was awarded $230,000 in his lawsuit against a library in Morristown, New Jersey, which had thrown him off their premises—because he smelled. Badly. (Added tidbit: he subsequently ran for mayor of Morristown. Didn’t win.) In total, he’s filed something like 18 lawsuits against various businesses—restaurants, drug stores, public places—because they have all had him removed due to his body odor, he claims. 

See, after that first smell of success (no pun meant there), he figured out that he could make a bit of a living by filing lawsuits. Think I’m joking? The NY Post reports he was dropped from Medicaid because “he made too much money from settlements.”

Yes, rather than hit the Duane Reade on the main level of Port Authority (south wing!) for a bar of soap and then hit the loo on the same level to take a little leave of his b.o. (not that that wouldn’t get him kicked out either, but I’ve seen others do it), Kreimer takes ’em to court.

Having ridden a subway line for many years I can attest that body odor—all sorts of body odor—is not—make that cannot—be taken lightly. Too many cocktails or vivacious Vindaloo the night before and everyone in your blast radius is going to know all about it on the ride into work the next morning…and FYI—adding tons of perfume or aftershave just makes it worse—you know who you are. 

Anyway, where was I… 

Oh yes, Kreimer—so he’s up to 18 lawsuits and counting based on allegations that his civil liberties have been violated. What about the civil liberties of people who don’t smell bad and don’t want to smell other people who smell bad? It’s one thing having to suffer it on the subway or elevator, but quite Read the rest of this entry »

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Brandi (Such a Fine Girl) and Taser the Tater Dude…It’s Tortelicious

May 25th, 2010. By LucyC

Welcome to Totally Tortelicious—a review of some of the more bizarre legal stories making news—and there’s certainly no shortage of them. 

Where did she hide the bottle? A woman from Nevada has been accused of stealing a bottle of wine from a store while she was topless and intoxicated. Ok, how does this stuff happen?

Brandi Smith, (interesting choice of name—and makes me recall Looking Glass’ 1972 classic, though I’m sure their “Brandy” was a bit more of an inspiration)—anyway, Brandi, who is 41-years old—we’ll come back to that—got herself arrested for this little act of shoplifting. That’s Brandi over there at right. Believing she was on a roll, she drove to a fast food restaurant nearby to get a little something to go with the plonk, only to be apprehended by an off duty sheriff. Poor guy. I wonder if they were at Wendy’s? (nope, actually the BK lounge—but read on for some excitement at Wendy’s)

You know, at the very least topless robbery takes guts—and not a little liquid inspiration—coz 41 ain’t 21 (no matter how confident you are). Turns out a preliminary test revealed a blood-alcohol level of 0.14 percent, nearly twice the legal limit—for driving—not stripping.

The bottle of wine cost $20 retail, plus $5000 for bail. Brandi’s been charged with felony drunken driving (not her first offense here), burglary, and indecent exposure. Thank you.

“I said hold the f*&^*&% fries!” A woman in Daytona Beach, Florida went postal—or would that be fried (?)—at a local Wendy’s recently. In any event, she lost the plot with a member of staff who was taking her order at the drive-thru. Hey, we all know how conducive to clarity those “place your order” machines are.

Anyway—back to the story—Miss Melanese Asia Reid apparently got into a heated discussion with the employee (btw, no word on just what exactly the problem was), got out of her car—with her Read the rest of this entry »

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Possibly Most Moronic Beer Heist – this guy’s Tortelicious

May 18th, 2010. By LucyC

Welcome to Totally Tortelicious—a review of some of the more bizarre legal stories making news—and there’s certainly no shortage of them.

So is this guy really cheeky—or just really—well—stupid?

Can I steal the chilled ones instead? A man from Tennessee (sounds like the opening line of a very bad joke…and it nearly is) stole some beer from a gas station. Problem was—the beer was warm.

What was he thinking? Warm beer? I don’t think so!

So he turned around and walked right back into the gas station and asked the store clerk if he could exchange the warm brews for some cold ones… (or does he just have an incredible sense of entitlement?)

Apparently the clerk asked the man if he had in fact paid for the beer in the first place, as she didn’t remember ringing them in. How could she? She had been in the back of store doing some restocking.

He must have woken up at this point—because he reportedly ran from the store. Was it something she said?

Guess my heart goes out to the guy—he’s clueless. So the video above is a little gesture of good will—to help him out next time he has some warm beer on his hands.

He’s Got a Garage (Contra)Band? You know there must have been something in the water last week—or maybe smoke in the air. Here’s another one—a man from Buffalo called the police to report two teenagers who were breaking into his garage.

Apparently, he didn’t stop to think about what the teens were trying to steal—could it have been his pot plants per chance? This guy had quite a green thumb—and his own little grow-op in his garage to prove it. Now that will attract teenagers.

So the police came, as they do when you report a burglary, and charged the teens accordingly. But of course they had to do an investigation, and they found 51 healthy pot plants. So they arrested the homeowner on drug charges. Ya think? It’s a good thing you can’t be charged for stupidity. I wonder if he’s a contributing member of the gene pool…

How does a Garden Hose end up Costing $63,015.31? No, this is not a skill-testing question or some bizarre riddle for MENSA members. It represents the legal fees incurred by a police officer who was accused by the town of Ansonia, CT, of stealing a garden hose, from some civic department.

Just one garden hose, by the way. And, no, I don’t know how long it was…or what material it was made of, or whether it had one of those fancy spray nozzles on the end…

In any event, the cop went to court and was acquitted. Yup—the jury decided he hadn’t stolen the garden hose after all. (A jury? Who knows…)

So officer Mustafa Salahuddin sent his lawyer’s bill into the city to pay, and after ‘much deliberation,’ the town agreed to pay! Are you kidding? How many hours manpower could this case have taken? I know all garden hoses look pretty much the same, but seriously, the town could have had their choice of garden hoses—they could have had a whole new civic garden—for that kind of dough. Were these people elected?

I can’t help thinking that the lawyer should have been charged with theft.

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2 Clueless Wonders & Taking the Fire to the Fire Dept: It’s Tortelicious

May 11th, 2010. By LucyC

Welcome to Totally Tortelicious—a review of some of the more bizarre legal stories making news—and there’s certainly no shortage of them. 

Stick-Up Note Provides Dietary Fiber…Almost. A 40-year old woman in Ohio was recently arrested for trying—unsuccessfully—to rob a bank. After reading the story, one could safely say that she is no career criminal and probably should not quit her day job.

Lois Harvey apparently walked into a branch of Columbus Chase bank one morning last week, and took her place in line with full intentions of robbing the bank, by note. However, she failed to notice that a police officer was directly behind her in the line up—that is she didn’t notice until she was up at the counter and presumably in the process of putting the incriminating prose in front of the teller.

Now, according to media reports, the cop was off-duty—but in uniform—complete with fluorescent traffic-stopping gotta-be-blind-to-miss yellow vest! (that’s the cop in the pic, with blond Lois in front of him; photo: FBI)—and wasn’t aware of what was going on. That’s comforting. But when he saw Lois grab her note back and run out of the bank he presumably put 2 and 2 together, followed her out, made her cough up the note which she was trying to eat (yuk!) and arrested her.

Poor old Lois was jailed, obviously, and the local judge set bond at $250,085. Given her possible financial situation, I’m betting she’s gonna be there for a while. Well, it gives her time to read up on less demanding career options.

C’mon and Take a Free Ride. Not. What would you do if you wanted a ride home and your cell phone was out of juice? A Maryland man thought he’d dial 911—because it was the only call his Read the rest of this entry »

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