"In February 2008, I started to quit smoking," Dawna says. "I used the patch for almost a month and then I started on [Chantix]. After I began using it, I started to get really angry and depressed. I suffered from shortness of breath and went to the hospital because I thought there was poisoning in the car—that shows how delusional I was. I thought there was exhaust leaking into my car and that it would kill me, so I went to the hospital completely paranoid.
"One night there was a really big snowstorm. I drove home really upset because I tried calling home and no one answered, so I thought my husband was out in this bad storm. I was crying my eyes out while I was driving home—I honestly thought 'I want to kill myself.' This continued the 2 months I was on [Chantix].
"I blew up at people at work, which is really not my style. I'm normally happy go lucky but I was having temper tantrums like a five year old. Luckily, they know me better than that at work. I was angry all the time and I had fights with my husband—we never fight. I was not myself. I just wanted to crush my car into a tree. Every drive home was a nightmare. I was in a really dark place. I had completely unfounded thoughts. I thought about leaving my husband, even though we were newly-weds.
"I know the warning signs for suicidal ideation, so I have an idea how to handle it. Because I was a depressed teenager I knew what was going on, but I thought if I quit taking the drug, I'd start smoking again.
"I went to San Francisco to get my head straightened out. I holed up in a hotel room, worked on some writing and went off the pills. When I left San Francisco, I was in much better spirits. But, about 2 days later, I bought a pack of cigarettes again. So I'm smoking again.
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"The reason I started [Chantix] is that my manager quit on it and was fine. But for me, it was dangerous. If I didn't know the signs of depression and suicidal thought, I wouldn't have known what was happening. You can put whatever you want on a warning label, but people who are depressed don't know it. An unhappy person can't distinguish what is going on. It seems natural to want to crash your car into a tree."