Zyprexa: "I couldn't care less if I lived or died"

Seattle, WAPatients who are diagnosed with depression may feel a sense of shame about their diagnosis. That feeling may be compounded if they begin to feel suicidal, which can happen to people who take Zyprexa. However, many people do not realize that they are not [alone], that other people taking Zyprexa have felt suicidal. The problem is with the drug, not with them.

"I am ashamed of taking Zyprexa," says Kendall Lewis. "In 1999, when I was 34 years old, I was diagnosed with clinical depression. I was losing my memory and was tired a lot and I didn't have the strength to do the job I normally did. My doctor suggested I quit work and go on social security. He immediately put me on Zyprexa. When he doubled the dosage it made me whacky and I told him I was hearing voices." But worse than that, Kendall's family said he was showing a violent side.

"Ask anyone and they will tell you -- I am a very passive person and I love my family," adds Kendall. "But on Zyprexa, it was like I was edgy all the time, I had zero tolerance and I didn't sleep.

"I didn't know how to handle confrontation with the kids. I would lose my temper; I'd yell and scream--this behavior was out of my control. During one of my visits to the doctor, the psychiatrist's assistant asked me if I felt like living. 'I couldn't care less if I died or not,' I said. I never felt suicidal until taking this drug.

My wife and I had a fight. I got into the car and I started speeding; I remember crying uncontrollably and felt my life was over; I wanted to crash the car and die. But I have always gone to church-- if it wasn't for God and if I had continued with Zyprexa, I would have been dead soon after that day. I woke up one morning in prayer, asking God what was wrong with me. I felt that God spoke to me and that I didn't have clinical depression—he told me to throw the pills away and come back to church to serve him. When I opened the bible I read the scripture about oppression: I had spiritual oppression, not clinical depression.

I lost 40 lbs within three months after throwing away Zyprexa. The years from 1999 until 2002 are a complete blur—I don't know where they went. I was having even worse memory problems and then suicidal tendencies on that drug; one night they even took me away in the ambulance. I don't know how to explain the pain of wanting to kill yourself; when you're not thinking clearly, there is nobody in their right mind who wants to commit suicide.

I am ashamed of saying that I was diagnosed with clinical depression. I was a happy person—everyone who knew me would say so. I was outgoing, a salesman. I owned a car lot and dealt with the public every day. I thought 'clinical depression' was just a term they used, but in reality, all that was wrong with me was that I didn't have any energy or strength.

And I had high blood pressure. The doctors told me that if I was stressed out, that could make my blood pressure go up. I wish I had gotten a second opinion, gone to another doctor. My treatment with Zyprexa made things worse, not better. Instead of shoving these pills onto me, I should have had alternate choices.

Now, my goal is to help someone not to take this drug - there are alternate routes. And maybe I can help save a life if someone reads my story."