Twenty and Still Not Potty Trained? It’s Tortelicious

June 8th, 2010. By AbiK

Welcome to Totally Tortelicious—a review of some of the more bizarre legal stories making news—and there’s certainly no shortage of them.

[Note: Lucy’s on vacation this week, so I’m taking a swing at Tortelicious today…]

Diaper Genie He’s Not. What’s a guy with an apparent diaper fetish to do when the Depends at the local drugstore just don’t seem to be cutting it? Dillon Makuski of Amherst, WI seems to have a thing for wearing diapers. But not just any ol’ diapers. He likes ’em dirty. (You know I’ll never get to write that line here again—ever.) And that means he has to get his kicks by keeping tabs on who has the dirty diapers.

And that’s just what he did.

But it would be a bit strange (really?) to just go ring the doorbell of some home where a baby lives and ask for some used diapers. Better to try and steal them! And, again, that’s just what he did.

The plan, however, did not go as well as plotted. The homeowner with the soggy diaper stash happened to catch Makuski in the act. And then the cops came. Makuski was caught yellow?-handed with six soiled diapers in his pockets. Hope they were cargo pants. He also had “burglary tools”, whatever that means.

So Makuski’s now got 30 months probation and 200 hours of community service to do. Oh, and as if you couldn’t see this one coming, he also has to undergo a psychiatric examination.

Absolut Moron. Well, I could be a little kinder there—but why? If the shoe fits… So John Dematteo was set to appear in court in South Brunswick, NJ on a DWI summons. Ok, so it wasn’t his first flirtation with driving while intoxicated–he also had a DWI arrest in 2006.

So maybe he was a bit nervous about showing up in court again. I can understand that. But rather than heading out for a massage, or I don’t know, maybe a Reiki session, he opted for an old standby: booze. Absolut Vodka. Raspberry flavor in case you’re wondering. Hey, raspberries are in season…

But that’s where Dematteo’s attempt at calming his nerves took a wrong turn. Literally.

According to reports, he tried to make a right turn into the Municipal Court parking lot from the center lane of the road he was on. Yes—that would mean that he would have to cross over a lane—that pesky on one the right—in order to complete his turn. Perhaps he didn’t look in that mirror on the right—the one with the “objects may appear closer than they are” warning on it. Because he failed to notice the station wagon that was tooling along in the right lane beside him.

Hello accident.

And hello second (actually, third) DWI for Dematteo.

Thankfully, it appears no one was hurt. And as for Dematteo, well, one can guess he’ll be back in court sometime soon again…third time’s a charm?

Heist They Couldn’t Hoist? Seems to me, if you’re going to rob a bank, you first want to ensure whatever you rob can be carried off. Rather quickly. So, for example, if you choose to rob a safe, you rob the contents, and leave the safe behind. Right?

Wrong. If you’re Antonio Davis and Theodis German. Only they didn’t go for a safe. Too much trouble. They figured they’d try an ATM. The whole ATM. Push buttons, little screen, maybe the braille, too. Only problem was, after they tied a chain to an ATM from the back of their pick-up truck, and hit the gas, they realized ATM’s are mighty heavy!

The attempted burglary occured at the First National Bank and Trust in Santa Rosa Beach, FL. And not only did the would-be burglars yank the ATM out of its rightful home, they also dragged it through the glass front doors of the bank—guess there was no outside walk-up ATM?—and upon realizing they couldn’t get it onto the truck’s flatbed, they left it in the middle of the road. US Highway 98, in case you’re wondering.

That could’ve—should’ve—been the end of it. But no.

Another driver passes, almost hits the thing, pulls over and attempts to move it out of the way. And guess who then comes back? Davis and German. And they tried to lift the ATM onto the flatbed again. I don’t know what they thought they’d achieve second time around—it’s not like reports indicated they had their Wheaties or a can of spinach prior to their return. And, sure as shootin’, they were not able to pick up the ATM.

What was picked up, was their trail. By the cops. And now they’re both facing charges of larceny, burglary and criminal mischief.

Tags: Tortelicious

This was posted on Tuesday, June 8th, 2010 at 2:49 pm and is filed under Emerging Issues, Totally Tortelicious . Feel free to respond, or trackback. Read our comments policy.